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Jess' Diary


It was the last day of February with rain falling hard and freezing wind. I kept wondering whether I could finish Hogwarts without thinking about him or it was now impossible, having an idea stuck in my mind. For a few days I’ve been distracted by a mere vision in my sleeps. I couldn’t tell what it supposed to be and neither could remember the full of it, but I had a nasty feeling thet it had something to do with Severus and Dumbledore. But it must be a foolish thought only. I couldn't imagine what can I do with the two of them. They were dead quite a long time ago ad all I could do was to wish to get more out of the dream to solve its meaning. If I get more to cope with I’d definitely write to him, although I don't want to mess around him, but he’s the one in who I trust the most. I couldn't help the feeling that Mom would love it, if I could tell her about it, but as long as I won’t be able to get through it by my own will, I won't be able to write to her about it. Or neither to Draco , no matter how much I wanted to remain far away from him. I suffered from the thought that I have to meet him for working on it but all I could do to hope that the time would come as late as it can. Otherwise nothing had happened.
And talking about Draco. I belive that he made more damage in me than any other person together during my life. Althought we were in the same House, our relationship got wrecked when he left the school two years ago. I was five years younger then him but we used to be quite close friends in our three, commonly spent years at Hogwarts. We also spent a few weeks together in the summer and Mom was a good friend of Narcissa. 



This morning I’ve woken up in the state of a complete breakdown. I had the vision again. I've seen myself rummaging in Dumbledore’s tomb and I picked out something but I didn't know what it was. Then I did some difficult wandwave, then I got a potion out of nowhere. After a few minutes of black smoke there stand in front of me him, Severus Snape. I started to cry but I don't know why. He came to me and tried to make me stop crying. And then I woke up. I've got it finally. I scribbled down on a piece of parchment. I knew it’s just a part of it but there’s something to work on. And then came the moment of realisation that I have to write to Draco but I hoped we’ll only meet in the summer break. 
I went to the Great Hall and had a quick breakfast and after I ran to the Owlery to fetch Niko, my owl. I fastly attached the letter to him and sent him off. I wanted to know more but at the same time I'd likely delayed the meeting with Draco.
I headed for my double Herbology lesson which was held by Professor Longbottom. I hated the lesson because we were filled up with Ravenclaws. This time we’re supposed to learn about Mimbulus Mimble-thing. Another fasciating lesson… How ridiculus it is, learning about plants when there’re other things which are more important than ugly, little plants. I was wondering about the misterious thing I got out of Dumbledore’s tomb and what the neccessary spells and potions will I need. I was walking back for Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson when Niko returned- only after two hours. He had the answer from Draco.
I'm not sure but that’s definitely has a meaning though. You should keep on telling me if you remember more. When is the next Hogsmead weekend? Hope to meet you.
Yours sincerelly,
   D. Malfoy
I scribbled down the date- what was the 18th of March- and prepared myself for the lesson. I've only sent him the answer after lunch. It was a mistake because Kathleen, my best friend has noticed a change in my mood and wanted to know the reason for this. Finally, after resisting her interrogation during the full lesson, I've told her. But only about Draco’s visit and „forgot” to tell her abou my dreams. It was my own problem or at least untill I haven't written to Draco.
I had a double period of Anciect Ruins without Kath. I had enough time to think. the Hogsmead weekend was more than two weeks ahead but at those precious moments I felt at the same time that it was far away and either too close. I didn't know whether it was because seeing him again, or because working out the parts of the mistery.
Sometimes I could really appreciate the behaviour of Kath, but today she simply annoyed me. After lessons we were reunited in the common room to start work on the pile of homework we got in order to prepare for our O.W.L. examinations taking place in May. I didn't sceduled Quidditch practice-as I was the team’s Captain- for today and neither for Wednesdays because then we have Astronomy lessons at nine o’clock. Kath was twittering about Draco and so on. I was trying to concentrate so on an especially hard essay on the subjects of some kind of countercurses that I haven't noticed Niko arriving.

*-Hey, Jessy! It’s not Niko?






 -Oh, what?… Yeah, it’s him.*





He got an answer from Draco again but now he only said that he will be able to come that day. I was glad that Draco hasn't written anything else because Kath seized the parchment. Thanks for this I felt the date rather close but I carried on writing my homework. I finished just in time to leave for Astronomy. We settled off and hurried through the castle. Kath kept talking Draco. I got enough when we reached the bottom of the North Tower.

*-Would you please hold your tongue!?



 -Oh, sorry, Jessy. But don't you love him?



 -You know it perfectly well because I confided it to you that I loved him. It was over fastly.



 -Yeah, really. You were crying a lot that time.



 -Exactly. So can you now stop talking about him?



 -Of course and sorry again.*



During lesson I've nearly fallen asleep so after it I've came back hurriedly, written this about today and I’'ll just fall asleep.





Friday, 03/03/2000


I've woken up early in the morning. I was glad that I haven't had the vision this night and I had a good sleep in weeks. I know I've dreamt something stupid but that was a real dream. I've started thinking about the weekend. I had this one free but next Saturday will be the match against Ravenclaw. We’ve beaten Gryffindor and if we win against Ravenclaw we’ll won the Cup altough there's the Hufflepuff-Gryffindor match.
As I was thinking about today’s practice, someone knocked on my door. I oponed it and I saw Kath standing in the doorway. Yesterday, after the Quidditch traning we had a quite big row and I shut the door in her nose. It was lucky that nobody else heard it. I saw real signs of remorse on her face but I didn't know whether to listen to her apology or shut the door again in her face. Finally I let her in and sat down on my bed.
*-Sorry about yesterday. I…I don't know why I was so stupid.
 -Oh, now you're the stupid? If you don't remember, yesterday I was the idiot in your opinion, Kath!
 -Hey, calm down a bit, please. We’re friends or at least I hope. I know you're nervous because the Cup and the O.W.L.s. and now Malfoy.
 -Yeah, you're right. Sorry for shouting with you.
 -Nothing. See you later.
 -See you.*
After all, we had a quite ordinary Friday. On Potions we made The Draught of Peace – I've got an E for it but it’s far not my best one. Than a History of Magic which I’ll give up after this year. After lunch we had a single period of D.A.D.A. (practicing countercurses). As it was Friday I had a lond Quidditch practice after lessons. Our team was the best in the school. After the training I went to the Entrance Hall where I met Kath, who came from the Gobstones Club. We had dinner together with Neil and Timmy, Kath’s brothers (Kath’s younger sis, Shirley Ann’s ust 10). We returned to the common room and started to reduce the amount of homeworks we got and which was growing bigger and bigger altough we wrote at least one essay a day. ™



Huh. I had a really eventful weekend. We spent most of it training for the match against Ravenclaw. I think we have an unbeatable strategy. All the players are in their best form-our Chasers (Neil, Grace, Tiffany), Beaters (Herbert, Matt) and Keeper (Shaun). They trained hard all year. I spent most of my spare time sitting in the common room practicing charms and writing essays but for the time I went to bed yesterday I've done all my homework.
Today I've got an other pile of it, so after today’s Quidditch practice, which was quite short because the hard rain and strong wind, I've started to do it. I've got an hour untill 6 o’clock when Kath finished in detention to go eating together. While I was waiting for her, I've spoken with Mom across the fire.

*-Mom, what are you doing here?!






 -I've …I've just wanted a word with you.






 -Er…yes? And what’s so important?






 -Well, why didn't you tell me that you're corrisponding with the Malfoy boy?






 -Mom! It’s not your business!






 -Oh, yes, it is! Why didn't you tell me? I could assist you two.






 -I have all the assistance from him. If we need some help, I’ll ask you. Is it okay?






 -Okay, follow your instincts. But I care about you.






 -Don't worry, Mom! We’ll be very careful. Someone’s coming! Love you, Mom.






 -Love you, Jess.*





It was only Kath so we could go eating.☻



I hate Tuesdays. It’s the worst day of the week. We had two subjet in double period and two in single. I don't know why I wanted to study Arithmancy because it’s the hardest one of my materias and it was one of the double period subjects. The other was Transfiguration and we had a History of Magic and Charms. At least I haven't got Quidditch practice this afternoon. I want to be a Healer at St. Mungo’s so that’s why I've chosen Arithmancy and Anciect Ruins. The whole day was the same as ever in this year.
In the morning Neil came to us after he got a letter that we can go on the usual Easter holiday ’off-weekend’ without parental guide. We meant Kath, Neil, me and Matt, Kath’s boyfriend. There were still four weeks untill the start of the Easter holiday but in that time we have a Quidditch match, I have a meeting with Malfoy and probably the career advice which would be completely unuseful for me as I know what I want to be but I’ll go and speak about it with Professor Slughorn. The afternoon was spent in the common room writing newly given essays and practicing again and again the new and old incantations. I'm really thankful that it’s already night because I can relax now. ☼



Finally, it’s nearly weekend. I'm so nervous because of the match. It’s just two days till that and I barely can sleep from the excitement and the nightmare what I haven't had for a few days. I knew it was a bit different now as I saw myself at an other place but I don't know where I was. Luckily today I only had five classes so I had a little time before Quidditch training so I made some simple charm for practicing and headed down for the pitch quite early. I hoped that I wouldn’t find anyone in the changing rooms but I was mistaken. When I entered the room I found Neil sitting there. He looked miserable so I sat next to him and placed one hand on his shoulder.
*-Are you all right, Neil?
  -Yes, I am…honestly no, I'm not.
 -And what’s that? Maybe I can help you.
 -Oh, that’s very kind from you but I don't think you can.
 -Okay, but cheer up a little, it’s nearly Saturday and we have a match to win-I said smiling.* 
I don't know what his problem was but I just can't stand it. I wanted to help him altough he has been flirting with me before. That was the time when I lost touch with Draco and I didn't want to let any other guy near to me. I felt vulnerable than and I also feel it now. I know that I’ll meett Draco soon but till that I want to help Neil. He was always nice and friendly with me ani I also tried to be so but sometimes it just didn't want to work.
After the Quidditch practice I changed quickly enough to go back to the castle with Neil. He looked a bit better but notdelighting enough for me. He was walking a few feet ahead of me so I huried a bit to reach him. I placed my hand into his and I held it tightly. He returned my grip and gave me a smile. We walked back to the castle holding hands but he dropped my hand as we eached the front door. We went to the Great Hall to have some dinner and meet with Kath.
Hurray. We’ve won with such a big difference that we will win the Cup this year. It’s now almost sure. Everybody is so happy. I can't imagine how we did so but I'm really delighted with the teams performance today. With this victory we have a little advantage so I’ll have more time for my homeworks because we have only three months untill the exams. And with being ove the match means ther’s one week till the meeting with Draco.
I'd like to stop the time today for not let next Saturday approaching. I have such a big amoount of homework thet it feels I won't be able to write them if I do all summer long. I also got detention for today evening from professor Sober, for not paying attention on his lessons continously. I felt lucky for him making me to do it in the evening and not during the match. He is the second-best D.A.D.A. teacher after Snape. I really love Sober’s classes because they were exciting and enjoyable. They are better than Umbridge’s or Amycus’ though not as good as Snape’s. slughorn remained the Slytherin Head of House and the Potions teacher as well. He was also a good teacher but I liked more Potions in my first year, held by Snape.
It was such an unlucky day for me. I hate 13ths which are on Monday. I'm a bit superstitious. Firstly I was late from my first class which was Herbology and professor Longbottom took ten points fom Slytherin. Later I run into Peeves and in the afternoon I’ve nearly been hit by a Stunning Spell because of some stupid second-year Hufflepuffs. And to crown the day I have many homeworks and I haven't done any on the weekend. And we had Quidditch practice too. We’ll skip Friday trainings untill the Easter holiday. Which is three weeks ahead. I'm glad that we’re over the match.
I'm a bit nervous about the upcoming weekend. It’s gonna be the Hogsmead trip. I don't really want to meet Draco now. I fear iim still loving him but I just don't want to accept the fact. When I was in my third year and Draco in his seventh I think I've fallen in love with him. But that was an awful year. Two Death Eaters alongside Snape as Headmaster, the fear when will some of our relatives disappear and the hunt after Potter. It was disasterous. So with this emotional rollercoaster I didn't-don't- know what I felt towards him. It’s really wicked though. I didn't tell it to anyone, only Mom who is my best friend.
 I should care more about homework and practicing charms or I’ll get more detention if I don't write the essays. I think the teachers take this ’exam fever’ more seriously than some of us. I don't fear them, I just wanna be over them to have a calm summer vacation. Yeah, a calm summer for me. I wouldn't have one unless we finish easily with Draco. It’s gonna be a hard work, though. I've done as many of my homeworks as I could. I was practicing incantations during my way to and back from the Great Hall. After dinner I carried on writing the essays. Now I feel like  I need to sleep three days without stop.

Tuesday, 14//03/2000

Today I had a light day. During History of Magic  I was finishing my Arithmancy exercises. On Transfiguration we started to learn a new spell. We only started the theorical way because it was just a simlpe lesson and will move on Thursday as there’s a double period of it. Arithmancy was quite dull as we just practiced old excercises again.
While I was waiting for Kath I caught myself wondering about what to wear on Saturday. Of course I neither want to appear bitchy nor someone who doesn't care about it. Finally Kath arrived so we went to see if Timmy’s flying lesson has finished. We’ve just missed it, but it’s quite a fun to watch the first years struggle with flying. I know that I once was a first year but for the time I started Hogwarts I could fly quite self-confidently. So we got back to the common room. I just started playing wizarding chess with Timmy, when an owl got a message for me.
I was surprised as I've never seen this owl before. It wasn't Niko-of course-, neither Rusty (Mom’s) nor Kath’s. I took the parchment from his leg and and set off to take him to the Owlery. I read the letter on my way so I haven't noticed professor Longbottom and I just bumped into him.
*- I'm terribly sorry, professor.
-Oh, no problem. I was the same back in my first years.*
I left him relieved that he’s not angry with me and continued my journey. Finally I finished reading. But after I read I couldn't believe my eyes.
Dearest Jessica,
I hope when you’ve read this you won't be mad at me.
I understand if you don't feel the same but I feel I have to tell you or I go crazy. I love you, and I loved you for three years now. I believe you just love me as abrother but if not- and I know it’d be fantastic- please let me know.  I can't stand being near to you, hearing your voice, seeing your perfectness from day to day not knowing your feelings towards me.
              Yours truly,

I let the owl fly to a free place and I headed to the Great Hall to dine. There I sat with some Ravenclaw- who I don't despise- to avoid the encounter with Neil. He's a nice guy but I never loved him in the romantic way. He was aleays the so-wanted big brother of mine, a trickster and a mate. Kath told me about it a year ago, when Neil started flirting with me, but I didn't believed her at that time and I went on playing with him.

To be continued....